Tales From The Library / Men Are From Mars And Women Believe It

Revised and updated !! PJ-rating.

I have a library full of books and many of them I have not read. I become attracted to a book and take it home with me forgetting that I can’t read more than five pages anymore without falling asleep. It takes a long time to read a book five pages at a time. But the library looks great. Tonight I thought maybe it would be good to share a page or two with you. Why? I’m thinking maybe my library could be a tax deduction. Or, maybe we could learn something quickly and then I could fall asleep.

So I had to pick out something I have never read and decided to take a peak at Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray Ph. D. It’s Saturday night and Virginia Breeze is going to get a little wild. I believe this book might have been a Christmas present from my former wife. She liked to give me presents that suggested I was needy in some regard while the entire family was watching. Years earlier at Christmas she gave me two ceramic balls with Japanese artwork and little bells inside. You are supposed to roll them around in your hand and become more relaxed.

I know I will regret it if I say any more about my Christmas present so we will just move on. Back to the book. Lesson 1: Don’t tell him he should read the book. Good idea. In fact, I suggest a further instruction. Don’t tell him he should do anything. Ever. Ask him if he would like to do it and open your eyes a bit wider when you do it. Just enough to send a subliminal suggestion to his brain.

The author continues…..””Instead, she should say, “Let’s read this book about sex. It is really fun.” or “This is really a sexy book. Let’s take turns reading it together”” First question. What does “it” refer to in the sentence “ It is really fun” ”? (I paid attention in the 90’s and know how to ask questions.) Because this is going to confuse him. Does she mean “sex” is really fun? Then why does she want to read a book? Why not just have some sex? Or, maybe “it” is fun because she is having ”it” with somebody else! She wants to read to him so there won’t be time for sex. The possibilities are endless and none of them are good. So nix this statement.

The author’s second suggestion is better. He suggests she should just read the book and ignore her husband if he is not interested . That’s good. Because he will definitely be hurt by this. He will feel left out. Unless he is super cool and confident like I was (not). Then he will just laugh as he comes in the room to put on his leather jacket and head out the door. ” Later, baby. Enjoy your book. ”

I always used to think of cool stuff to say and do after the time was right. Introverts need time to consider a response and almost never win in a lover’s quarrel. Their best bet is to marry someone who is more introverted then they are and then they can write emails to each other when they feel contentious.

And here is my favorite part (so far). “Reading this book out loud with your partner can assist you in expressing feelings about sex in an easy manner. By making a simple sound of enthusiasm or delight …you can give your partner an important message”.

It’s all about sounds. That’s true. But you have to be careful. The wrong sound would not be good. And there are more wrong sounds than right sounds. Lauren Bacall was right. Maybe we should just whistle. Keep it simple. No monkey business. NO monkey sounds. And especially no chimpanzees!

And watch your eyeballs, too. If they start going up you are in trouble. If they continue up into your brain and you fall asleep, well, let’s just say you are going to need more help than this book is going to give you.

So my eyeballs are moving northward and it’s time for our bedtime story to end. I’ve tried to add a little bit to the words and wisdom of our man from Mars, Dr. Gray. Hopefully, nobody reads books like this anymore. Today we have Viagra and there was even a commercial on television the other night for the female version of Viagra. No. Not George Clooney. It’s a pill for women. And 98 percent of the customers who buy it are men! So I guess we are all set!

This is the 21st century and we don’t need books anymore. We have computers. We have pharmacies. And we have blogs that tie us up twenty hours per day. So we don’t need to read this book. We need to sleep. And, if I remember correctly, that was what my ex-wife used to tell me all the time

Don’t tell anyone Dr. Davidllind said this but maybe she was right!