I have been thinking about my past a lot the last 3 days. I don't often talk about my past, mostly cause it's never good to revisit things that hurt, it just makes them happen again in your mind, the pain starts all over as if for the first time. However, this time is different. I am seeing my life with new lens. So, here goes..introspection.
I was born into an alcoholic family. I watched televison and saw kids who's parents didn't scream, didn't beat each other up and didn't forget that the kids had not eaten. I recall once my parents fighting so bad we girls ended up in the closet eating sugar straight from the bag. The kids on tv had parents that hugged them, all the time, like for no reason, not from guilt or out of a need to hear their child say they loved them cause they are getting the drinking weeps. I recall those days and I am glad I don't remember them for the most part. I don't say this to get sympathy, nor do I want any, I say it because I have learned something about myself. I adjust. I have learned that the only thing to be certain about is uncertainty. I have weathered much worse than I am currently experiencing. Life is a lesson. I know how to survive, have done many times.
My father wrestled with the pain of vietnam and lost. Who am I to blame him for drinking his pain away? I was not old enough to support him and show him I loved him despite his weaknesses. I loved him. Still do, though he is far from this earth. If he were a man grown now, in front of me and asked me to help him with this vice, I would do what I could, I would give my full support. My devotion and spiritual guidance were he to ask for it. I would give him what I know I would ask for myself in his place. Words, comfort, support, tears with him, laughs with him. A place to rest his head when it all became too much to bare.
I know he looked in the mirror sometimes and hated who he saw there. If only he knew how much I loved that face. People suffer so much in silence so certain no one will stay there after the fall. I will be that person for you. I will stay. I will not let you fall. If it matters to you. It matters to me. This is the lesson I learned. If you love someone, you love them completely. All that stuff that they fear, is just more reason to love them. Being human is a right. We were given the right to be weak. We were also given the right to hope, to strive to free ourselves from sin. To look up into the eyes of love and know that there is no such thing as shame in love. Love shears away the dirt and sweat and finds the heart and love deep within. It sees past the pain of now..to the future the person who is in pain cannot see. Hope. I offer this to anyone who needs it without reservation or fear. I may find you not ready and have to let you continue your path for a time, but I will only go farther down the path, not away, I will wait for you, when you are ready I will hold your hand. You must walk the path and face the dark, but I will keep you company as you struggle. Isn't that all we really need anyway? To know we are not alone? That someone will wait for us, hold us when we are frightened of ourselves and what we can and cannot do?
I am just a voice on the net. I may not be what you need, but I am someone who cares and mybe thats all you really need to hear to find that strength inside you. That simple realization that someone who doesn't even know you thinks you are worthy of hope. I love people, I am amazed by the effort and strength they find deep down inside that helps them when they least expected to find it. The stories I have heard. The awe they inspire in me. The genuine respect I feel for them. Cause life is a lesson, and the first lesson is often the hardest one anyone ever took. "Don't give up" is something I have learned. Perhaps you are learning it too. My childhood was hard, but I have found inside me someone brave, strong, and compassionate. I learned this from my hard life. Struggle makes wisdom. Love also makes wisdom and as a friend recently taught me, it doesn't take a hard life to be wise, it only takes a deep and loving heart. I learned that from our conversation. People are always teaching me more about life. I am learning to listen.
The thing about my childhood that makes me pause is the fact that I don't see it as horrible. I know it was hard, I know there were things we never spoke about, like my dad's vietnam experience that made him act a bit out of his mind. Like the fact that my feet are crooked cause I was forced to wear shoes that didn't fit in order not to freeze as a baby in the winter. My mom did the best she could. She gave up everything she wanted to make sure we had a happy childhood. I never thought about the many trips to the movies and skating rink. They must have cost her quite a lot in underwear and pretty things. My mom seldom had new clothes. Something that I never caught on to until now. She never read a book that was not used or borrowed. She never left the house for trips or long stays anywhere. She cooked, cleaned and made sure we were safe. She did what I did for 12 years, gave her all to the people in her life. She gave up what she wanted and needed to give us what we needed. I know she never regretted it. She is what people see when they see the quirky side of me. She gave me that. That optimistic spirit, that I-can-overcome attitude. My mom made lots of mistakes, but I have to admit it, she also made many right choices too. So, the past is repainted now, with a more realistic brush. I am not the kid who's parents didn't love her enough. I am the kid who's broken parents did the best they could in their broken way.
When I think about my life, I am no longer sad. I am not broken. I am not fragile. I am whole and strong. Learning who I am is teaching me these things. I see struggle as an opportunity to learn. I see pain as a lesson in wisdom. I don't wish for pain, but I do not shake my fist at heaven asking why God has forsaken me. I release. I let what happens come. For life is a lesson and lessons can and will come. It is how we deal with them that defines who we become. I love people. We are all fragile works of art. I am amazed and brought to tears at the world that birthed me. We miss the wonder when we fret and worry. When we are so busy we forget to pause, look upward to God and say Thank you. "You have given me blessings in multitudes and I am humbled before you". We forget because we think we are not being seen. That there are no messages for us to hear. When I think this way, I stop, I sit down, I wait. Something will come. A bird, a smile, something simple. Something gentle and quiet. Sometimes something unexpected. When we pause we see the messages. When we stop we let truth in. Turn off the radio, hang up the cell phone and wait. Something will come. Something always comes.
I leave you with this tiny bit of wisdom, which you can take into yourself or not whatever you choose,
"We are like drops of rain. We fall to the ground. Sometimes the rain that is us pools for a while in small puddles that seem extremely deep, but the sun is always shining on those puddles and eventually the sun wins. He always wins cause his warmth is constantly coming back to soak up those pools. Eventually he takes all of you into him and you become part of a larger something, something that is larger than ourself. We may fall again, this is a cycle of life similar to a cycle of rain. We fall, we heal, we rejoin the one, only to fall again one day. Each time we fall we learn that if we just wait we will rejoin the sun again and it becomes clear that we are part of the one, even while falling."
I am no longer afraid of my past. It is what has and is making of me a fine human being. I am proud to be part of the world of man. I seek to serve the world and I will do it one day with everything I have inside me. This blog has become the place that heals me. Thank you all for being my sun.
I love you.
Bekki
