Revised and updated !! PJ-rating.

I have a library full of books and many of them I have not read. I become attracted to a book and take it home with me forgetting that I can’t read more than five pages anymore without falling asleep. It takes a long time to read a book five pages at a time. But the library looks great. Tonight I thought maybe it would be good to share a page or two with you. Why? I’m thinking maybe my library could be a tax deduction. Or, maybe we could learn something quickly and then I could fall asleep.

So I had to pick out something I have never read and decided to take a peak at Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray Ph. D. It’s Saturday night and Virginia Breeze is going to get a little wild. I believe this book might have been a Christmas present from my former wife. She liked to give me presents that suggested I was needy in some regard while the entire family was watching. Years earlier at Christmas she gave me two ceramic balls with Japanese artwork and little bells inside. You are supposed to roll them around in your hand and become more relaxed.

I know I will regret it if I say any more about my Christmas present so we will just move on. Back to the book. Lesson 1: Don’t tell him he should read the book. Good idea. In fact, I suggest a further instruction. Don’t tell him he should do anything. Ever. Ask him if he would like to do it and open your eyes a bit wider when you do it. Just enough to send a subliminal suggestion to his brain.

The author continues…..””Instead, she should say, “Let’s read this book about sex. It is really fun.” or “This is really a sexy book. Let’s take turns reading it together”” First question. What does “it” refer to in the sentence “ It is really fun” ”? (I paid attention in the 90’s and know how to ask questions.) Because this is going to confuse him. Does she mean “sex” is really fun? Then why does she want to read a book? Why not just have some sex? Or, maybe “it” is fun because she is having ”it” with somebody else! She wants to read to him so there won’t be time for sex. The possibilities are endless and none of them are good. So nix this statement.

The author’s second suggestion is better. He suggests she should just read the book and ignore her husband if he is not interested . That’s good. Because he will definitely be hurt by this. He will feel left out. Unless he is super cool and confident like I was (not). Then he will just laugh as he comes in the room to put on his leather jacket and head out the door. ” Later, baby. Enjoy your book. ”

I always used to think of cool stuff to say and do after the time was right. Introverts need time to consider a response and almost never win in a lover’s quarrel. Their best bet is to marry someone who is more introverted then they are and then they can write emails to each other when they feel contentious.

And here is my favorite part (so far). “Reading this book out loud with your partner can assist you in expressing feelings about sex in an easy manner. By making a simple sound of enthusiasm or delight …you can give your partner an important message”.

It’s all about sounds. That’s true. But you have to be careful. The wrong sound would not be good. And there are more wrong sounds than right sounds. Lauren Bacall was right. Maybe we should just whistle. Keep it simple. No monkey business. NO monkey sounds. And especially no chimpanzees!

And watch your eyeballs, too. If they start going up you are in trouble. If they continue up into your brain and you fall asleep, well, let’s just say you are going to need more help than this book is going to give you.

So my eyeballs are moving northward and it’s time for our bedtime story to end. I’ve tried to add a little bit to the words and wisdom of our man from Mars, Dr. Gray. Hopefully, nobody reads books like this anymore. Today we have Viagra and there was even a commercial on television the other night for the female version of Viagra. No. Not George Clooney. It’s a pill for women. And 98 percent of the customers who buy it are men! So I guess we are all set!

This is the 21st century and we don’t need books anymore. We have computers. We have pharmacies. And we have blogs that tie us up twenty hours per day. So we don’t need to read this book. We need to sleep. And, if I remember correctly, that was what my ex-wife used to tell me all the time

Don’t tell anyone Dr. Davidllind said this but maybe she was right!

Ryan recently posted three reasons why he prefers working with girls, er, women. My wife came into my home office (she needed a break from working on her book's index, I guess, so I was voted to take a break from what I was working on.) and read the article over my shoulder.

I started to dive for my bomb shelter but she only said: You should write about how your most important bosses have been women.

Which really halted me in my tracks because I hadn't really thought about that. But it was true. I hate it when she does that - must be that listening stuff she's always going on about. I should listen to it someday.

I've had three female bosses (6 years total) and they taught me things that I have never even gotten a hint about from my male bosses. Since we all *love* lists, and I'm competitive, I'm going to give you more than a 200% list improvement:

-> Feelings matter
-> Management style is who you are
-> Listening is more important that talking
-> It's a long game, play with joy
-> Harmony is important
-> Teams are more than leaders
-> Sometimes it is a fight to the death

Feelings matter

It's not always about what someone has accomplished but how they felt about it. I use this advice all the time, though it is really diametrical to my 'get er done' mentality. Sometimes your people need to emote more than they need to work. Or they have some technical problem stuck in their craw and they need to solve it rather than go around it. I don't do it all the time (this isn't a Montesorri school) but sometimes I just let them go on and do what they need to do. My teams are better and, overall, more productive because of it.

Management style is who you are

You can't be a jerk at work and nice at home. Natch.

Listening is more important that talking

This is especially true for smart people (I'm moderately bright) and for men (let me check ... yep) and when you put the two together you get Interruptions-Are-Us. I had a boss give me five Tannen books and it was great for my job and my marriage.

It's a long game, play with joy

You don't win every battle, nor get every promotion, so enjoy your work when you can.

Harmony is important

Sometimes we do just have to all get along. Over aggressive joking or brutal code reviews or sullen drinking at the bar are not team spirit activities. So you have to plan and design tasks that bring people to work together in a positive fashion. Very California touch-feely, but, oh, it does work a trick.

Teams are more than leaders

I admit it, I'm a proponent of "Great Man History" and that bleeds over into my work life. But, really, above, say, Lead Engineer, we're all pretty replaceable in the medium term. So you have to listen (that word again) and nurture at all levels.

Sometimes it is a fight to the death

I didn't learn this the first time. My (female) boss pulled the group in and said another engineering group was trying to absorb our group and that we had to take X, Y, and Z actions immediately. Like everyone else I just went ahead with my tasks since X/Y/Z weren't on my to-do list. Six months later she was reporting to her peer, we were all working the new team's maintenance, and you can guess the rest. The next time I got a new (female) boss who said that she wanted to look at reorganizing my dozen or so person team and could I please prepare a list of my accomplishments for her review? I read that one and got my resume out - she chased me out of the company in a quarter.

Parting thoughts

Your mileage may vary. Contents may settle during shipping. Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. Nobody knows you're a dog on the internet.

Could I have learned that stuff from a man? Probably. But I didn't, though I've learned other stuff. I've been around everything from startups to SME's to Mega-Corps over the last 25 years, so I've had quite a variety of bosses. The guys have varied a lot, with good nuggets here and there, but nothing outstanding.

Are all female bosses Yoda like and wise beyond Ghandi? Even my wife would admit to only 98%. Please note that my last female boss basically hectored me out of a company and cost me a bundle in stock options. (nota bene: that upped my political radar to 11 and has saved me more than it's cost me, so no grudges) I'm just saying that, on average, the women who've been my manager have been singular. As a group. You know what I mean.

I spend a lot of time surfing the internet, and looking for new blogs to read. I must say that some of my favorite blogs are written by women, and I thought I'd share a few of my "must reads". These blogs, in my opinion are some of the best in their field, and wanted to recognize some of the best bloggers in the world.

Dooce
For those of you who have never heard the term "dooced" before, you should read what it means. Utah blogger Heather Armstrong contributes in whimsical, sarcastic and sometimes vulgar way on her blog. And I love it. I do have somewhat of a risque side to me, and Heather touches on that almost every day. If you want a taste of how funny she can be, you should read her Frequently Asked Questions page.

Whoorl
Last year, this blog was basically prego mommy meets the OC. Blogger Whoorl (aka Sarah) spent a majority of last year pregnant with her adorable little baby Anders. She's got a very simple blog layout, which is saturated with some spunk and wit. When I need a break from the real world, I check out to see what kind of recent discoveries of motherhood she's going through. A fun read, especially for moms.

Building My Empire
I've been following this blog for some time now - talk about a woman who's driven to make money online. Empress, as she calls herself, has been pimping her blog for a while now, and seems to be seeing the fruits of her labor. To be honest, I've never seen anyone try so hard to make money online, as she is with affiliate marketing. Loaded with content, her blog is a fine example of how to build a blog online, with the intentions of providing helpful tips, as well as how to make money.

Lastly, I wanted to share a few blogs I've seen over the past few months that are being used to showcase work. Many people are using Wordpress to display their portfolios, which is a great way to utilize "blogging" for business. I'll take that concept a step further in an upcoming article about businesses adding blogs, but for now, here's a little eye candy created by women bloggers. Phokiss Photography, Expressions by Michelle, Beyond Ordinary are fine examples of photography sites, using creativity to mask their blog.

So if you're new to the blogging world, take a look at some of these sites - they are successful, and I believe that we can all learn from them. They are really good examples of how to display content, how to encourage interaction and how to be creative with your blog.