I Fail at Building Relationships

[davidcubed]

removed by user

[candyaddict]

Just curious - what is your motivation for building relationships? Favors? Traffic? Exposure? Recognition? I never consciously build relationships (that I can think of really). Do people sit down and say "I'm going to build to build relationships for the next hour"? If so, what do you do? Again, just curious.

For Teenormous, we have made it a point to build good relationships with our merchants because it always seemed like the right thing to do. I think that is going to pay HUGE dividends soon if we have to move from the affiliate model of revenue. Our merchants know us by name and trust us (we think) and know we are real people not some big corporate entity out to make a buck.

[hart]

Recently, I tweeted that I fail at building relationships, and I was asked why I thought that. Simply put, I've talked to many people, and asked some of them for favours and they don't feel compelled to follow through on those requests. That shows that I didn't get to the point where they felt the need to help me.

What type of favor did you ask these people?

Personally, I think that's a lousy way to think of a relationship, when it reaches a point that you need the other to help you - you're in a relationship.

[davidcubed]

My recent post on Performancing sums things up a bit better. Mostly, I feel like I am competing against those that started after me in the same niche. I am building relationships for two reasons - my sanity (working home alone for months on end without a social life drives me crazy) and business (I'd really like to be reasonably well known online).

I watch as people that started after me have an easier time building relationships online where people WANT to help them. I think of myself as a listener and sometimes a teacher, where others have a charisma that helps pull people towards them in their social circles.

brian - Are you better at building relationships with your merchants than some of your competitors? And if so, has that given you an edge in turning your passion into a business?

hart - The favours are those of extending the reach and conversation surrounding my thoughts and ideas. The same favours I see extended to others in my niche. I do the same for them, and consistently promote those I am a fan or friend of.

[randa]

I think what David is saying is that one way you know how good a friend someone is, is how willing they are to help in your time of need. Not necessarily that it is the only way he judges a relationship. That being said... building relationships for any kind of selfish reason is never going to result in the kind of genuine relationship that makes people want to go out of their way to help you. Dale Carnegie had something to say about "winning friends":
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a man's Name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in the terms of the other man's interest.
6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

Good relationships come as a result of an outward focus. Interest in other people, helping and building up other people's interests while asking or expecting nothing in return and a general positive attitude will attract other people to you and ends up with great relationships.

Recently I had a problem with a site that I just couldn't solve. I threw out the problem on Twitter, and offered some linkage from my PR6 site, etc if someone could find the solution for me. Someone I've gotten to know over the past 2 years (Vivien @inspirationbit.com) took at least an hour or more of her time and ended up solving the problem for me. She made a point of saying she didn't need any "linkage" in return, she was glad to be able to help, but you'd better believe I'm going to go out of my way to help her at the first opportunity and anything else I can think of. I want to reciprocate more because she did it expecting nothing in return.

How did I build this kind of relationship with Vivien? I visited her Flickr photos and made comments. I participated in a group writing contest early on in both our blogs. I made comments on her site. I recommended her to prospective clients I didn't have time for. I didn't do any of that stuff for any other reason than I simply like Vivien. I'm interested in what she's doing. I had no thoughts of her helping me or doing me some favor some time in the future.

Geez... that was long-winded and sorta preachy sounding... sorry- it was too good an example of the the subject at hand not to offer it as an example. I am just a HUGE proponent of doing good as much as you can to others, and it will all come back to you in the end. I don't believe in karma, but the principle is the same. I'll stop now.

[hart]

My recent post on Performancing sums things up a bit better. Mostly, I feel like I am competing against those that started after me in the same niche. I am building relationships for two reasons - my sanity (working home alone for months on end without a social life drives me crazy) and business (I'd really like to be reasonably well known online).

heh . / *oops! Guilty ../ haven't been reading performancing .. someone has to add me as a SU friend and start sending me some pages to stumble I'll stop by now.

[candyaddict]

brian - Are you better at building relationships with your merchants than some of your competitors? And if so, has that given you an edge in turning your passion into a business?

Judging from what we have heard through the grapevine, yes to the first question. As for the second question, I don't think so.

[txwriter]

Wow!

Randa's advice on this is really good. (You should post it somewhere.)

I'm with the others who say that a relationship shouldn't be all about what you can get from it.

I may not have as many relationships as some others, but those that I do have are good ones.

(As an example, I got a job offer yesterday from an online friend I've had for several years. I never, ever expected to get anything from her at any point doing our online conversations, let alone a job.)

[rdash]

You have to give before you ask. And complaining publicly doesn't help. I've made these mistakes before, and no wonder no one felt inclined to help. On the other hand, pre-Internet days, I've helped a lot of people without expectation of return and also never had the favor returned until very recently, by a completely different set of people.

[rdash]

And anyway, why would they "feel the need" to help you? People help because they want to. Most people don't "need" to help. That means you need to offer what you can first (as I mentioned above).